theclumsyredhead.com

You've either eaten one or made one and you know it.

Every year, that trick question they asked in grade school always comes to mind: “Do they have a 4th of July in England?” While you’re pondering that and eating your blueberry/strawberry/Cool Whip (that’s pronounced Cool hhhWhip) flag cake this weekend and engaging in the reenactment of our country’s war for independence by throwing firecrackers at your neighbor, it’s important to remember a few things.

1) Don’t let your children light their fireworks with your Bic.  I remember burning my fingers with the hot metal piece on the lighter every year. Man that was great. Sometimes my dad would light our sparklers and assorted fireworks with his cigarette. That was fine for the 70s and 80s, but now, since smoking is the equivalant of injecting babies with heroin, that practice has gone by the wayside. May I suggest purchasing a few punks to light the little ones’ “improved” sparklers? Which by the way, totally suck in my book. They don’t shoot sparks like they used to so there’s no sense of danger of them landing on your red, white & blue dress and they don’t burn long enough to write your name in the air. Where’s the fun in that?

2) Keep your dog indoors. Several years ago, my sister’s Shih Tzu got spooked and ran away during their Fourth of July celebration. She was gone for several months. Someone eventually found her – she had been living off the land and let me tell you, she came back a hard woman. She looked like Courtney Love circa 1996 and stomped around like Beth Chapman. She hasn’t been the same since that fateful Fourth. Save yourself the heartache and avoid future barroom brawls with your canine companion by making sure he or she is safely tucked away inside this year.

This guy could be your doctor. Realistically, he'll probably be the next President of the United States.

3) Do not let your friends and family have a Roman Candle fight. It’ll really put a damper on your party when Cousin Tito loses an ear or a toe in a drunken attempt to shoot down your neighbor’s birdhouse with one of those things. Yes, it’s funny to watch drunks try to maneuver around patio furniture or people who aren’t there, but it’s not worth the risk of having the cops or an ambulance show up and try to tend to an injured inebriate. “Dude, I’m fine. DU-WHO-DE. I’M FFFIIIIII-NAH. See? I taped my finger back on. Good as new.” Chances are, he’s duct taped his thumb to the palm of his hand and probably ruined the chance of you having a party next year, what with your homeowner’s insurance rates raised and bloodstains and all.

So, there you go, a few tips from the Redhead. Be sure to hang out your flags, people and remember to turn on your boom boxes to hear that patriotic music that’s synced up to your local bank’s fireworks celebration.

Answer: Yes, they have a 4th of July in England. They also have a 5th and 6th like everybody else. They do not celebrate our Independance Day, however. Although, with the way the rest of the world feels about us, they just might start.

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