This is pretty much how any given day will go around my house.
Scenario 1: My phone rings, I speak to the person who calls. I hang up.
Jack: Who’s dat?
Me: Daddy.
Jack: What happen?
Me: He asked me what we are having for dinner.
Jack: Where Daddy go?
Me: Daddy’s at work.
Jack: Daddy bye-bye. Homer on? (Since I’ve made it pretty clear that we’re not the greatest parents, you should know we watch repeats of ”The Simpsons” during dinner, so now he associates Homer with nutrition. Glorious.)
Me: Homer’s not on. It’s not dinnertime.
Jack: Oh. Where Daddy go? (This is asked in succession at least 47 times. Following is my final response.)
Me: Daddy went to Spain today. He’ll be home for dinner. (I choose a different country for each time he asks, for my own amusement.)
Jack: Oh. Okay.
Scenario 2: Changing his diaper.
Me: Oh dear lord, did you poop? You stink.
Jack: Dear lord, no poop.
Me: Are you sure?
Jack: Uuuuummmm, yap. No poop.
Me: Come here, let’s change your diaper and clean up your bottom.
Jack: Uuummm, nope. No bottom. BUTT. (Maniacal laugh.)
As I’m changing him:
Jack: Dear lord, no BOTTOM. BUTT! BUTT! BUTT!
Me: You stink. It’s not butt, it’s bottom.
Jack: NOOOO, you stink. No bottom. BUTT.
This goes on until I have placed the stinky diaper in a bag outside.
Jack: YOU stink.
Scenario 3: Injuring myself in a mishap.
Me: GODDAMMIT! (Sucking in a breath through clenched teeth.)
Jack: Gaah-dahm-eet. (Repeats this over and over while doing any number of random tasks: dragging around Tess’s doll by its hair, smacking the floor with a plastic golf club, sticking raisins in his nose, etc.).
Have a great weekend, Gaah-dahm-eet!
Babyface Martini
6 parts strawberry flavored vodka
1 part dry vermouth
1/2 tsp maraschino liqueur (or cherry juice)
Fresh strawberry
Combine liquid ingredients in a shaker with cracked ice and shake well. Strain into a chilled glass and garnish with strawberry.
As Angelo would say…I Likey!
Comment by ShelliGib — July 9, 2010 @ 10:51 am
Homer On, my friend, Homer On.
Comment by Ann's Rants — July 13, 2010 @ 1:10 pm
I read this when you first posted and read it again tonight…that kid is flippin hilarious! I just keep giggling thinking of this cherub looking at you going “Good Lord…” thanks for sharing
Comment by Erin Farmer — July 20, 2010 @ 6:39 pm
Oh this cracked me up, mainly because we watch the Simpsons during dinner too.
These were just in the last 1/2 hour:
Wouldn’t it be neat if the cat was rainbow colors?
I wonder what ‘wonder’ means.
Alex keeps farting on me.
Stop touching me! (obviously, I have two)
Can I please have a baby sister? (this one has been asked daily for the last 3 or 4 years. Her dad and I divorced when she was 8 months old, I had my tubes tied last year, she is undeterred.)
It’s not nearly as cute when they get older. Enjoy these funny questions now.
Comment by Jen — July 20, 2010 @ 9:29 pm
Remember the scene in “Uncle Buck” where Macauley Culkin’s character asks all those questions? That’s my daughter. Only the scene lasts for. . . ev. . .er.
Comment by jen — July 21, 2010 @ 7:37 am