theclumsyredhead.com

One of the perks of having kids is that you get to watch cartoons without anyone hassling you about it being immature. Thankfully, my kids enjoy the older cartoons – you know, the good ones like Scooby-Doo and Bugs Bunny and the Pink Panther. My kids crack up the same way I did when I watched them oh-so many years ago.

The other day Tess asked me why they always do “all those tricky things” on Scooby-Doo. She was referring to the elaborate traps The Gang sets up in order to catch that episode’s “ghost.” (Why were they always called ghosts? Most were more like monsters, but whatever.) I had no response. When I was a kid, I just accepted it. As an adult, I just accept it. But when my 4 year-old points out the strangeness of it, it got me thinking: I was pretty stupid as a kid who grew up to be a pretty stupid adult.

I used to pretend I was Daphne when I was a kid. She was the only pretty redhead out there at the time.

I thought I learned:

When you’re trapped in a well, basement, library or attic, always look for the more brightly painted brick, piece of wood or book. That’s the button for the secret door that opens up and leads you to the rest of your group. While I’ve never been stuck in any of these places, I think it’s safe to say that since the real world is not colored in by animators, that might not be the best way to find a way out of your situation.

What you should really do: Carry a cell phone and a knife/gun/pocket toolkit at all times. Or, you may need to MacGyver it up, so be on the lookout for random objects strewn about the room.

I hated the Road Runner. I always rooted for Wile E. My cynicism started at a young age.

I thought I learned: If you’re chasing something across a high wire or around a cliff, always have an umbrella or a woman’s corset. These items will allow you to either gently float down to the ground, or allow you to soar like a bird to safety (for a little while). It’s also possible to blow up a single balloon yourself, without Helium, and float up into the air in pursuit of your prey or to escape.

What you should really do: Not chase things across a high wire or around a mountainous region. No prey is worth the risk of your umbrella folding up on you or the corset coming untied. Also, I don’t normally carry those things on me whether I’m in pursuit of my lunch or not, and I’m not sure anyone else does either.  The characters also tend to run into the sides of mountains, so really, it doesn’t work anyway. Although, the injuries are never fatal, so technically, it does kinda work.

A single balloon will not lift a human being off the ground, especially if it’s not filled with Helium. I learned that in high school chemistry. So, if you need to become airborne, I suggest a plane, or at the very least, a hot air balloon, though I’m not sure you’re allowed to hunt on either of those contraptions due to Homeland Security and whatnot. Best to have your food delivered – it’s somewhat safer.

Now, those are just a couple of things. I won’t bore you with the rest of my stupidity. It’s common sense, really. Most kids don’t have much of it and most adults I know don’t either. That’s why cartoons are funny. Suspension of disbelief is just an automatic response to cartoons when you’re a kid, I guess. Or it’s just letting your imagination go wild and enjoying life. I suggest to my readers: watch at least one cartoon a day and laugh out loud. It’s better than searching in vain for a brightly colored escape hatch.

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To all the stay-at-home moms who may sometimes feel guilty for not “earning a living”:

Let's be honest, Alice did all the work.

What you do is invaluable. You may not be receiving a check you can cash, but your work will pay off one day when you least expect it. (Not to mention you’re saving your family approximately $150 a week per child in day-care expenses. That’s over $15,000 a year for two kids.)

You may long for a staff meeting in lieu of changing a poopy diaper sometimes and that’s okay. But when your children are grown and off creating fabulous lives for themselves, you have the satisfaction of knowing that you laid the foundation for their self-confidence. When they are in loving, committed relationships with people they trust and feel secure in who they are and what they want out of life, you will know it’s because of you. You’ll know that all the heartache you felt over the years was worth it, that you made a difference in someone’s life, and in turn, made the world a better place. You knew when to hold that child close and when it was time to let them go. And hopefully they’ll remember all that when you’re the one wearing diapers.

For all the moms who work 40 hours a week and have to send their kids to day-care:

Super hip, super cool Mrs. Huxtable.

Please don’t feel guilty. Your family depends on you and your children love you and won’t hate you for missing out on anything – that’s all in your head. You’re the only mom they know and the only mom they’ll ever have. Cherish the time you spend with them and don’t waste it being bitter about the things you can’t do. No $6 an hour sitter can replace the love you lavish on your children when you’re home – even when you’re exhausted because your idiot boss needs you to put meetings on his calendar because he hasn’t taken the time to learn how to do it himself. Take a deep breath and remember, it’s not easy and you’re doing the best you can.  They will appreciate all you’ve sacrificed in order to provide them with a better life. Just call in sick every once in awhile and take your kids to the zoo.

For all the moms who pay an extra 50¢ for character inspired macaroni and cheese and fruit snacks:

It seems like there's less in these than the regular stuff.

You’ll buy generic razors for yourself to make up for it, because you know your kids will eat an entire bowl of Spongebob or Spiderman pasta without complaining that it’s boring or gross. And the pricey Dora fruit snacks? Well, processed fruit just doesn’t taste right to a toddler if it’s not shaped like the head of a cartoon character. That extra money you spend for them is being put to good use; so what if you used a whole roll of toilet paper on one shin?

For all the moms who unload the dishwasher at 10 o’clock at night:

Who needs 8 hours of sleep? Not you!

You may not have dirtied all those dishes, (well, actually, you made dinner so technically, you did dirty some of them), but you put every last one in that dishwasher, put in the soap and turned it on. But as you were cleaning up toys, you found a sippy cup full of milk stuck under the couch and rushed it in to the kitchen to throw it in the dishwasher before the rinse cycle completed to make sure your little one had his favorite cup at breakfast. You avoided a meltdown and salmonella at the same time. I salute you for that.

For all the moms whose hair is slapped back in a ponytail and whose lips haven’t seen lipstick in over 5 years:

Because a ponytail is better than bed head.

You know it’s more important to brush your daughter’s hair and put in ribbons or barrettes that match her dress so she’ll feel like the pretty princess she is. It’s time to let her shine. We can see how pretty you once were just by looking at her. We know how you used to take care of yourself – we all did. Using hair products or even a brush has become a thing of the past.  Foundation? Shimmery lip gloss? Mascara?  Who has the time? Just think of all the money you’re saving. Money you can now spend on headbands and bows and Hello Kitty lip smacker that your four year-old HAS to have. Besides, it’s what’s on the inside that counts, right? Keep telling yourself that. You’ll believe it one day. I know I will.

And finally:

To all the moms who vacuum six times before noon, do five loads of laundry, make breakfast, lunch and dinner, change diapers, go to the store, pay bills, clean your kids’ rooms (twice), get snacks for the kids, play outside, take their child to the doctor, color, make an appointment with the finance guy, make play-doh aliens, tie shoelaces over and over, help their child write letters and/or numbers, get interrupted during their one bathroom break of the day to find the red block, pick up the dry cleaning, dry tears over a scraped finger/knee/arm/leg, search the entire house to find a favorite lost truck,  arrange play dates for their kids even when they don’t like the parent they then have to sit and chat with, make three dozen cupcakes for their child’s bake sale that they just found out about (it’s tomorrow!), and then have to answer a husband who asks, “You didn’t iron my shirt for tomorrow?”

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