Okay, so neither Lincoln nor Washington is in this group, but it's POINT BREAK people. Awesome.
In honor of two of America’s most beloved presidents, retailers like to offer the American public huge discounts on furniture, flooring and exercise equipment, which makes total sense. However, no one seems to know exactly how to spell “Presidents’ Day.” For that reason, I will not be buying a new elliptical machine or wall-to-wall carpet (with free haul away!) because I can’t trust someone who doesn’t know how to use an apostrophe correctly. And also I hear shag is out these days, so why bother? What can I say, I’m a snob. I will do my part though, to help the American people appear to be smarter than these retailers by offering some tips on the English language.
It’s Presidents’ Day. The day celebrates 2 specific presidents – Lincoln and Washington. Make the “president” plural and show possession. Hence, apostrophe after the “s.” And try not to use more than one exclamation point, unless you’re writing a comic book.
It is not a “mute” point. It’s a moot point. Why are you picking on people who can’t speak? They have really good observations and it’s not fair to assume all their arguments are ridiculous. Also, I defer to the great pop song “Jesse’s Girl” by Rick Springfield for an example of the proper term: “I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.” If you can’t trust Dr. Noah Drake, who can you trust?
Irregardless is not a word. It is regardless. It means “without regard.” “Ir” is a prefix that means “not” or “without.” “Less” is a suffix that means “without.” Irregardless is a double negative. It’s nonstandard. It’s a blend (or portmanteau) of “irrespective” and “regardless.” Does anyone besides lawyers or PhDs use the word “irrespective” anymore? Don’t use irregardless. You sound like a tool.
“Flustrated” is also not a word. You are either flustered or frustrated. If you are both, then say you’re both. It’s not a cute word like “ginormous” (which I love to use). Saying flustrated just makes people question how you dress yourself every day or even manage to breathe.
Saying “in terms of” is just filler. Instead of saying, “In terms of medicine, I like narcotics.” Instead, just say, “I like to get stoned.” It was probably invented by the same moron who coined the phrase, “think outside the box” which makes me want to jam a pencil in that person’s eye. Useless terminology created by people who think they’re clever. Good use of your expensive time there, upper-management.
Here’s one that comes from an isolated incident. My ex-boss was a fast talker. One day he came by our area and told us not to be “lacklastical.” It took the three of us a couple of minutes to figure out what the hell that meant. We believe he had two words floating through his brain – “lackluster” and “lackadaisical.” Those two words crashed into each other on their way out of his brain and decided it was easier to stick together than go back inside and fight off the other words. I just hope they’ve found a way to untangle themselves from each other, poor things.
I used to work with a woman who was an idiot. She was mean, passive-aggressive and stupid. She also wore sweaters that she had bedazzled herself. When our boss told her that she needed to maybe bone up on proper grammar because clients had mentioned she sounded like an idiot (I’m sure he said it much more diplomatically), she came to my office in hysterics. “What does he mean? We was raised right! I know how to talk!” That’s a direct quote.
Ensure means to make sure. Insure means you have a policy in force to protect something. To ensure your house is safe, insure it with a homeowner’s policy. I get a lot of calls on that one. (What? No one calls me, I’m a dork.) One of my favorite burger places has a sign in the drive-thru that says: “We want to insure you have a great food experience here. Please call” I want to call and tell them to change their sign, but there’s no number. It just says “Please call” with no number or punctuation. You’d think they could afford a better sign, since they charge $6 for a cheeseburger.
These last two tips are from songs we all know and love. My friend Jen and I used to think the chorus to “Rocket Man” by Elton John was, “Burnin’ on the fumes of ethanol.” The words are actually, “Burnin’ out the fuse up here alone.” I prefer our version and continue to sing it whenever I hear that song on the radio.
I love it when the lead singer yells out stuff during long instrumentals – pay attention to me! I’m the cool front man! Take for instance Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust.” At some point, I believe Freddie Mercury screams out “Hey! I’m adopted!” I don’t know what he actually says and I don’t care.
There’s your holiday advice. Drink as much as you want, but don’t abuse our poor language. Feel free to argue my points, but I’m just trying to be helpful and you’ll end up sounding like the idiot. Actually, that would make me giggle, so go ahead and torture our beautiful language, it’ll give me more stuff to complain about. Happy Presidents’ Day and I hope you got some great deals!!!!!
